The Bickers: Decision Time

"Where did he go?"

"Down there. Down those steps."

"Okay. Wait. I have to take these pumps off. Shh."

"Don't shh me. He was watching us. He was taking notes again. With that blasted pencil. Crap."

"Well, you know what must be done. You've done it before."

"Let's pause a minute. We have a decision to make. Seriously, this THIS could change the course of our lives."

"It's just one more. One more thing in the way, and then we can...."

"See, this is where we are different. With you, it's always just one more thing, but for me, it just goes on and on and with no end in sight."

"Everything we've done up to this minute has led to this. So we go forward. There was no point, if we don't."

"Maybe there was no point at all. Oh, don't look at me that way. I know you've considered what might have happened..instead."

"You live in a world where the past is a puzzle, and you can remove pieces and put them somewhere else and get a different outcome. Me? I live in the real world, the world where it is what it is."

"Each minute that we stand here, with no decision, we hold the world at bay. If we don't go down those steps, if we don't go back the way we came, we can make time stand still. And for ten minutes, my love, I just want to be in this moment, at this place, with you, with no action required. Give me your hand. Give me a kiss."

"You are such a cramp. Get moving."

The Bickers: The Key To My Heart

"You brought it?"

"Of course. I remembered to bring it when we left the smelly hotel room, I had it when we were wandering through the tomatoes, I offered it to you when we were eating our stolen blue plate breakfast and I suggested you stick it in the eye of the waiter, and I believe I was waving it at you in disgust when it caused the ignition switch on the car to malfunction. In fact, I have been trying to get you to take these keys from me for days!"

"Well, here we are. A turn of the key, and it will be all ours. I feel like Jason, about to snatch the golden fleece."

"Wait a minute. Wait. Let's think a minute."

"Cold feet?"

"Sort of. I mean, once we open this up, well, it's out there. No going back. We will be hot as firecrackers. Nothing will extinguish the thirst for our blood."

"That's pretty theatrical. Look at me - look - do I look like I'm scared?"

"No. You look like that freaking head. Hand me the knife and your toothbrush, I have to scrape some paint off this lock to loosen it up."

Little Red Riding Bicker

"It smells in here."

"You always say that. Hotels smell. Cheap hotels smell a LOT. It's just another fact of life on the run. Speaking of run, are you really going to wear those shoes ?"

"Yes. I thought you might want to use these keys to break the window. There aren't any fire extinguishers around."

"For once, we are on the same wave length. Did you see that guy in the parking lot giving us the eye last night? Do you think he made us?"

"I think if he did, we would not have had such a pleasant night."

"Speaking of pleasant, you had a moment last night when you quite reminded me of that shrieking head of my mother's. Almost made it impossible to perform, darling.'

"Don't bait me, or I will tell you how you remind me of a pencil. Did you put that hot as a firecracker pepper sauce on your egg and tomato? 'Cause I want what is left, if you didn't. Give me your plate, or just cut it in half. We should start getting ready to clear out of here. Clever of you to order room service. We can slip right out."

"I am ready to go as soon as I brush my teeth. OH, make sure you remember to take the toothbrush - we don't want to leave any DNA around."

Later

The strangers I confide in
The dogs who watch me
I doubt they will talk to each other
So the facts of my life will remain scattered
Shells on the beach.

The Bickers: Ain't that a Kick in the Head

"What ails you? He might not wake up from that!"

"Well, the extinguisher was handy, we needed to get out without paying...it seemed reasonable at the time."

"You nearly committed murder over a blue plate special of tomatoes and basil. You and your firecracker temper. Do I need to point out that we are trying not to attract attention?"

"If you don't stop yelling, your face is going to stick that way. Hmmm...where have I seen THAT look before? Here, let me brush some of that foam off you."

Okay, Okay, maybe I shouldn't have hit the waiter. And then, maybe, you shouldn't have screamed FIRE and sprayed him down. But what was your plan? Cutting him with that puny craft knife? Putting out his eye with the tail of one of the keychain fish? Or perhaps, smacking him in the temple with the heel of my black pumps?"

The Bickers: How do you like those 'maters.......

"OUCH! CRAP, that stings!"

"Stop screaming. Someone will see us."

"I keep stepping on these tomatoes and the juice is stinging my burn something awful. You told me you were going to pad it around the firecracker stuff."

"You are such a baby. I told you to wear better shoes. What IS it with you and those black pumps?"

"Ever notice our conversations always get down to you told me and I told you? Keep walking and let's talk about...I don't know... how great these tomatoes would look on that blue plate you almost bought."

"We could stuff one right in the screaming mouth of that silly statue your mother gave us. That would be a sight for sore eyes!"

"Okay, I'll pencil that in....next time we aren't being chased by the police through a tomato patch, we'll find things to do with fruit and props. Of course we would be brushing seeds out of things for weeks. "

"Did you bring the knife? We could stop for lunch... free lunch...."

"Oh, I have an idea about lunch, and it's not going to be tomatoes off the ground. I've got the key to it right here, on this awful key chain."

The Bickers: It Gets Explosive.

"Use the craft knife. Cut them open!"

"You are sure this is not going to hurt me?"

"No, no. We'll pad your ankle. You might get a little bruise - those pumps might not look as good on you, but we have to get that ankle monitor off or we will never get out of here."

"Okay, I'm using the craft knife."

"Now, empty the black powder on to the plate. Use the brush and brush it into a pile."

"What are YOU doing? Stop touching me like that."

"I'm poking a hole in the housing of the ankle thing with this pencil. We're going to pour the black powder into the hole, put this string in, light it, and VOILA! ankle monitor deactivates!"

"I wish we just had a key. Wouldn't it be great if that stupid fish key chain actually had a key to this on it? That would make it useful."

"C'mon, relax. You look like that shrieking head. I promise. It won't blow your eyes out."

The Bickers: Nothing You Can Brush Off

"Ma'am, can we come in?"

"Why?"

"This would go easier if you just let us in."

"Well, you aren't coming in, without a warrant."

"And we brought one, Mrs. Bicker. This allows us to enter through a broken down door or an open one, your choice."

"That doesn't sound like a choice."

"It's whatever you want it to be, Ma'am. We have a warrant to enter this house and remove items that we feel would further our investigation."

"Investigation? What investigation?"

"We'll ask the questions, Mrs. Bicker. Now, please, let us in. Al is going to collect a DNA sample. Please go with him to the bathroom and show him Mr. Bicker's toothbrush. And Al, did you bring a pencil? "

"DNA?"

"Again, we'll be asking the questions, here. Mrs. Bicker, do you recognize this fish key chain?"

"It looks like one my mother gave me. Where did you get that? Should I have a lawyer?"

"Do you think you need a lawyer, Ma'am? You are not under arrest, YET, Mrs. Bicker. A lawyer would be your option. However, things will go a lot more smoothly if you cooperate."

"I'm calling my lawyer."

"Look, Mrs. Bicker. I have a list here. Can you please tell us where to find a pair of black pumps, an old china plate, and something that looks like a screaming head statue? Or should my men just tear this place apart?" His eyes wandered around the room. "AL! Did you find that craft knife yet?"

The Bickers: Making A Point

"That is NOT the plate you said you were going to buy."
"No, it's not. The blue plate was gone. I bet Kris went back and bought it. But they still had the shrieking head. I told you no one would want it."
"What are you doing with that knife?"
"They put these damn orange price stickers on and I have to scrape them off. Nothing will budge them."
"Let me help you. You are doing it all wrong."
"Stop that. Why don't you go do something productive like polish my suede pumps?"
"An elephant never forgets..."
"I didn't stretch out my underwear by gaining weight. YOU did it. I wish I had poked out my eyes before they saw that. "
"Grab a pencil and write this down: I owe you 350.00 for an auto repair."
"You are relentless."

The Bickers- a Magpie Tale About The Pencils

Scrolling down through the other Magpies will tell the whole tale....




"Man, I hate it when you do that."
"What?"
"When you do things ass backwards for no reason."
"Like?"
"THAT!"
"That, what?"
"Putting the pencils POINT UP where I can't get one out without getting graphite all over my fingers."
"What about when you leave the seat up? Does that count as ass backwards or ass wet-wards? You do THAT all the time."
"What about when YOU leave the cap off the toothpaste? What about when YOU put the toilet paper on the holder upside down? What about not covering food when you put it in the fridge? What about that stupid fish key chain that cost us $350.00?"
"You stretched out my shoes. That is all I have to say about THAT."

All Together Now!

So that the story makes sense, scroll through the rest of my Magpies!


"I hate that damn thing. .The eyes follow me around the room."

"Give it back to your mother. I think it IS your mother."

"I'll give it back to my mother when you get rid of that fish key chain that cost us 350.00."

"Don't even start. I spent 500.00 on therapy after that little stunt you pulled in my heels and underwear."

"That settles it. I will just take this shrieking head to the Goodwill when I go pick up that plate I want."

Bad Writing

(A response to Magpie's visual prompt for writing a small piece)




He coughs, importantly. Checks to see if we are all paying attention. I wish he would hurry up because I want to get a chance to read what I brought. I only get out one night a month and this writer's group is it.

Satisfied that we are all waiting, breath bated, for him to read, he begins, "My eyes wandered around the room..."

The Blue Plate

"Do you think it's something?"
"Look at the back."
Jessie turned the plate over. No markings. "I still think it's something."
"Well, it's a plate, for sure..."
She squints at the plate. "I should get one of those things... a little thing you look through."
"A jeweler's loop?"
She puts the plate down. "Is that what they call it? How come you name everything?"
I shrug. "Because things have names."
She picks the plate up again, and picks at the orange Goodwill price sticker. "Why do they have to put these on with glue that is like cement?"
"How come you ask so many questions?"
"Because everything is a question."
Laughing, we move on down the aisle.

Black Pumps

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Well, I thought I might polish your shoes as a surprise."

"Those shoes don't need to be polished. Can you take them off before you stretch them out?"

"I was just thinking of you, dear."

"okay.... were you going to polish my bra and panties, too?"

Fishy

"Three hundred and fifty dollars."

Silence.

"I said, Three hundred and fifty dollars."

Kris kept washing the dishes.

"You aren't going to say anything? It cost three hundred and fifty dollars for two new keys and a new ignition switch."

"What do you want me to say?" Kris put a soapy dish into the strainer. "My mother gave me the keychain. I had to use it."

"It was too heavy. The weight of it got everything out of whack."

"My mother gave me the keychain. It has fish. She knows I like fish. She would have been hurt if I didn't use it."

"All I am saying is, it was too heavy and just cost three hundred and fifty dollars to use a freaking two dollar keychain your mother gave you. So stop using it."

Kris sighed. "I can't stop using it. It will hurt her feelings."